I TOUCHED MYSELF INSTEAD OF VOTING

If you've been paying any attention at all, you know that the tea baggers partiers have managed to get a couple crackpots through the primaries. I'm all for the people's voice, but these people are just ridiculous and seem like a waste of a candidate. If you are a democrat, you are celebrating. If you are a non-psycho-level-conservative republican, you are pissed. And if you still believe in handpicked sections of the bible like Santa, then you are riding your high horse(albeit for a very short time). I don't dabble in politics on The Skinny, but there is some comedy to address here. Check out some of Christine O'Donnell's 13 Most Ridiculous Quotes.  Speaking of dabbling, she recently admitted that she has dabbled in witchcraft, but who hasn't? Another real winner that's flying under the radar is Sharron Angle, a candidate in Nevada, who once campaigned to get rid of a high school football team's black jerseys because the color was ungodly and wicked (racist much?)

Now that I think about it, maybe the problem isn't ultra-conservativeness, it's women. Palin, O'Donnell, Angle...there appears to be a trend there. See what I did? I brought it back to a standard Flint Skinny slam on women instead of a political argument.

MINNESOTA TWINS FRIENDSHIP LOGO

So there I was, watching the White Sox suck at baseball, when I spotted a Twins fan wearing a hat (yes, I realize the picture is a shirt) that I'd never seen before. It had some sort of stupid patch on the front that clearly wasn't their logo. After a good amount of staring I first realized that it did in fact say Minnesota Twins. Strike one. Never liked you guys. Then after another 30 seconds, I realized that, while it was partially blocked by some weird shit, it was in fact a baseball in the background. But what is that mess in front of it? Oh, of course! It's two guys shaking hands. Strike two. What is this, the Special Olympics? Is that the sportsmanship logo? Come cheer for Minnesota, we're really friendly to other players (but only when they wear the same uniform as us). The two dudes aren't even twins! That may well be the worst thing I've seen in the history of professional logo design. Then, to top the whole thing off, they put it on a light blue hat. Strike three. I've consulted wikipedia as to not make a complete fool of myself, and nowhere is it listed as one of their colors. I can't stand when fans buy alternate colored jerseys/hats/shirts. Oh, you're Irish? Good for you! That doesn't mean that you should have a green Bulls jersey. They are red...which is quite different from green. End of story.

THE INTERNET SUCKS

I've been really disappointed in the internet the past few days. There has been a lot of recycled stuff, a Michael Cera meme that's about 30 pictures strong now(only one of which is funny), and every website I visit talking about how I need to follow them on "the new Digg." I don't know if I have raised the bar or just gotten lazy, but there hasn't been a whole lot that I've cared about passing. Thankfully I have a slew of pictures backed up so at least I can drop a picture dump on you, and there are a few videos worth sharing that I've stockpiled.

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN LOVES TO IRON

Women want to be taken seriously as equals, and I am all for it. You can pay your half of everything, including mortgage/rent, bills, dinners, recreation, kids' school, and most importantly you can buy your own engagement ring. No, stop right there. Don't even try to tell me that it's a gift because that's bullshit. There is no such thing as a mandatory gift. There are times when gifts are required, but exactly what the present is can not be specified. In order to say yes, 97% of of women require that they are given a diamond ring.  At that point it is a condition of acquiescence, not a gift. And calling it a sign of love is the worst claim to make too because a year later women require a second ring.  This means the amount of love at the time of proposal wasn't good enough. Goddamn greedy bitches.

Oh yeah, and their national organization's logo has an iron in it so it's obviously all bullshit. Women don't want equal rights at all. They want to go back to when they didn't have to do anything except tend the house and raise the kids.

Serious or not? I'll never tell.

THINGS I LEARNED AT LOLLAPALOOZA

• 90 degree heat and massive crowds will not stop at least one girl from wearing Uggs.

• I can't tell the difference between high school and college kids.

• Lollapalooza must be secretly sponsored by American Apparel and Urban Outfitters.

• Hand sanitizer is fake-god's gift to festivals.

• Lobster is made for corn dogs.

• Lady Gaga should never dance to Metallica.

• A lot of people still smoke. Most of them are odd looking.

• Hipsters and Hippies both love to play with paint.

• "Electro-pop" has surpassed "Alternative" as the music of choice for high-schoolers.

• The DJ stage is the best place to see nearly naked women.

• Cut Copy says Oh, or ohhhh, or ooooooh in 73% of their songs.

• VIP is ridiculously awesome.

• Oliver Sim of The xx really loves to play the cymbal.

• I need to start a on-going post on The Skinny titled "This shit's gotta stop."

• White people still do not have the ability to dance.

• Black people don't like Lollapalooza.

• The accordion is making a comeback.

• Green Day still rocks ridiculously hard, and their showmanship is amazing.

• Guys love wearing high school basketball practice jerseys.

• Lady Gaga has large balls, as demonstrated by crowd surfing nearly naked during Semi-Precious Weapons.


More to come as memories start to surface again.


Lady Gaga and her DJ dancing to Metallica? No thanks.


Not the actual Lolla video, no one has posted one yet.

Pretty sure that guy licked her vagina. Jackpot.

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS DUMBASS BOOTS

I normally don't play fashion police, partly because I don't give a shit and partly because I think 84% of shit women wear looks fucking retarded so it's a pointless effort.  If I complained about all the things that look stupid, this entire blog would be dedicated to fashion instead of being ridiculously funny.  This though caught my attention and I just couldn't let it go.  Why on fake-god's green earth would you wear sandal/boots?  That doesn't make even the slightest bit of sense.  If someone can find me a dumber looking pair of footwear, I will let you post any picture you want here on the site.  And don't even think about sending me Uggs or Crocs, because I hate both of them and would still rather my females wear those for 365 days every year than  the stupid open foot boot.  I can't wait for Boozy McDrugbitch to go to jail.

JIM SHORTS CAN SUCK A BAG OF DICKS

I'd like to clear something up here. For about 24 hours now, there has been a vicious rumor circulating the web about The Skinny. Yeah, that's right, I am popular enough to have evil internet rumors(I've made it!) about me. While I may not be up to Miley Cyrus level yet, this means I'm well on my way.

Normally the celebrity in question would simply let this fly for awhile to build up some media buzz, but I'm not your average megastar. I take my reputation very seriously, and that is why I must address this immediately. This piece of slanderous jibber-jabber suggests that I, The Flint Skinny, the #1 judge of comedic value in the northwestern quadrant of the Earth, find Jim Shorts(Kevin Matthews) to be humorous.

Let's stop the noise right there folks. To loosely quote Dan Gilbert, "I have not, nor never will" be entertained by Jim Shorts. I find his particular brand of humor, if I may degrade the word so much as to call it that, to be annoying, recycled, and boringly basic. That is my only comment on this malicious rumor at the moment, hopefully I will be able to drink away the memory of such a traumatizing day.

Thanks to Louis CK for the headline inspiration.

DAN GILBERT'S OPEN LETTER TO CAVALIERS FANS

1. He's clearly drunk.
2. He can't write well.
3. Did he put a curse on LeBron?
1. Is he a witchdoctor?
2. Is that legal?
4. Cleveland will never win a championship.
1. How much is the guarantee worth?
2. Why would I take it to the bank if I can't cash it?
5. LeBron owes Cleveland nothing. If anything, they still owe him.
6. Why wasn't the organization 100% motivated before Bron left? 
1. It's impossible to be more than 100% motivated, so if you are more motivated now than before LeBron jumped ship, you must have been slacking before.
7. The hour long special was probably a bad call, but it sent a lot of money to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.
1. Dan Gilbert hates kids.
8. It's tomorrow now, and it looks pretty dark in Cleveland.

Open Letter to Fans from Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....



Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers