WORLD RENOWN TAPESTRY ON DISPLAY IN CHICAGO

As an avid read of The Flint Skinny, you are acutely aware that I take great pride in my discerning eye when it comes to classic art. I taught Picasso to paint, DiVinci to draw, Crayola to color, and Jig to saw. Even still I could not begin to instruct a man on how to create a piece of art that speaks so directly to the soul of man as this incredible work.. Who amongst us doesn't wish to be immortalized through the most noble forms of art: tapestry? Yes, this amazing work of art has found itself hanging proudly in an Art Gallery in the famous West Loop of Chicago. If you wish to go and see it up close, I will be giving guided tours on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays from 12pm-6pm. Please email well in advance, because as you can imagine, slots are being filled quicker than at the gangbang of the week.

As with all great art works, it is meant to lubricate discussions. For that reason, I am willing to present some reader opinions on this piece:

"This is a post modern piece serving as a commentary on the blending of cultures and contradictions that are so ubiquitous in today's increasingly global and contradictory world. Tiger Woods is obviously the centerpiece as he is the pinnacle of contradictions. Half black and half Asian. His black side has him do things like marry a white chick and bang lots of other chicks, and his asian side makes him good at golf and wearing fancy clothes. This art adds another dimension of his multiculturalism by making him a homo-thug (wears a jersey and a du rag, but carries a pink asian umbrella). Lloyd is on his knees, but above Lloyd Banks, who's all cheesed out on whatever plants are growing around him. Tupac is clearly portrayed as alive and eating pizza, blending his aggressive thug life mentality yet displayed eating stoner food that he is passive aggressively not sharing with anybody. Then there's Ludacris bent over in the corner cuz he's clearly a fag. No blending or contradiction here. That does however, add to the contradiction of this marvelous piece of art." ~Sir Chance The 1st

50CENT TELLS TWITTER HOW TO PLEASE A LADY

Thank you 50Cent for making twitter worthwhile. I'm sure there are a lot of ladies out there that would like to thank you as well.

CLEVELAND SHOW HOT 100 CHARTS

The season premier of the Cleveland Show was just like every episode. It wasn't great as a whole, but there were a few really funny parts. This Sunday's show featured Kenny(Kanye for the retarded) West as a budding rap star. Cleveland helped him find a hit and watched his career take off. There was one point where they were showing that the new song, Be-Cleve in Yourself, started out low on the charts and sprung all the way to the top within the week. I was curious what else was one that chart, so I figured I'd take a few screenshots and see what was up. I'm glad I did because there are some pretty entertaining jams in the list. I was a little confused by the charts numbering technique in the 2nd half of the last picture, but what the hell do I know.

OCHOCINCO'S PIGEON IS PREGNANT

Here is yet another great answer to the question, "Why would I want to be on twitter?" Apparently Ochocinco has some pet pigeons. Everyone talks about how 85 only cares about himself, but that is clearly not true. Here you can clearly see that he has the ability to empathize with his poor little pigeon. Much like in real live, the male bird knocked up the female, and then got the hell out of there.

This leads me to my next point....what the fuck is wrong with Ochocinco? Get your shit together man. Shouldn't you be getting DUIs, arrested for Drunk & Disorderly, or murdering people or something? What kind of lame ass drama is a pigeon?

In related news, enjoy this song.

BOMB SCARE AT THE DALEY CENTER IN CHICAGO

So there I am, drinking a Cherry Coke Zero and working when I get a text that says there is a bomb threat at the building across the street. Sure enough, the Daley Center in Chicago isn't letting anyone in or out of the building. Now normally I would expect to see some bomb units or at least a SWAT team. But no. I look out the window, and who do I see? The greatest cop in all the land that's who! The ever elusive Tricycle Segway Cop was called in to take care of the incident. He is only utilized during the most dire situations. His mobility and stability make him a force to be reckoned with. As expected once he arrived on the scene, the threat was quickly eliminated(it never existed) and order was restored.

PHILLIP RIVERS WENT ALL PHILLIP RIVERS!

I'll be honest with you, I am not a fantasy football guru. While I didn't pick purely based on what players I like, it certainly did have an impact when it was a toss up between people. Perfect example...I have Jahvid Best in both my leagues. It wasn't a reach, but still suspicious that I would pick him twice with significantly different drafting positions. When it came to picking a QB, it was tough. Clearly I wasn't taking Matt Stafford, so who else was there? The answer is simple, thanks to LL Cool J.



Yes, I drafted Phillip Rivers last year as well as this year entirely because I liked when LL Cool J yelled PHILLIP RIVERS!

DENARD ROBINSON RIDING A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON

When I got home from Ann Arbor this past Monday, the first thing my roommate said to me was, "You need to photoshop a picture of Denard Robinson onto a dragon breathing fire over everyone's mascots all while holding a football. He was joking, but it sounded pretty bad ass to me. At first I just shopped Denard onto the back of The Flint Skinny's favorite pug. The internet loves pugs right now so it seemed like a reasonable move. The more I thought about it though, the more I wanted to live up to the request that was never really meant to be a challenge. After digging through the bowels of google images, a whole lot of color alteration, and way to much time, I pieced together enough to create the image that could only come from someone who is severely mentally disturbed. That said, it was an f'ing sweet idea.

DENARD ROBINSON RIDING A PUG

Since the day scouts first set eyes on Denard Robinson there has been one burning question. Where does he get all that speed? Some say he trained for years with Usain Bolt in the Himalayas. Other speculate that he has Wile W Coyote style rocket roller skates attached to his cleats. Until now, the leading candidate though is that he sprinted a lot growing up and became really good at it. Now, after a long interview with the man himself random idea popped into my head, the mystery has been solved. When he runs, he is secretly riding on the back of a pug. You can clearly see it in this picture captured by an incredibly advanced camera that I bought at the photo shop. I'm not sure if this is technically legal in NCAA football though, so let's keep this amongst ourselves.

TATE FORCIER CAN SUCK MY BALLS

Tate Forcier sucks. I don't want to hear any bullshit about last season, because he sucked then too. He personally ruined my birthday by throwing 842 interceptions against OSU, and now he's being a whiny bitch about not playing this year. The kid didn't even celebrate with the team after the win this past Saturday; he just moped around like a spoiled little cunt. I hope Robinson stays healthy so Tate has no chance of ever seeing the field.

Update: I don't hate Tate nearly as much anymore. He has gotten his shit together, started working hard, and has stepped up every time UofM needed him to come in.

VELOCIRAPTOR FREE WORKPLACE

Velociraptors are a serious problem. While I admit that they are over-hyped due to Jurassic Park(as explained by Dan Telfer), they are still vicious little fuckers and need to be defended against. Thankfully, super-pug Sadie is there to protect us...for a nominal fee of course. If you run into problems, don't call the ghostbusters (they're not real), call the Sadie Protection Agency. Be sure to tell them I sent you as I get a ridiculously oversized commission.

UNTAMED VA-JAY-JAYS

Dear ladies,

Don't do it. They are lying to you about the return of a sexy style. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Every guy everywhere on earth....ever

PIRANHA 3D IN 14 SECONDS

Kingsley did me the favor of summing up Piranha 3D for me. Sounds like pretty much the greatest movie ever produced.

CANADIAN SLINGSHOT TANK

Those damn Canadians can't do anything right. Way to bring a rock to a gun fight. Didn't you have the Mountie Scouts when you were a kid? Always be prepared, ass.

AMERICAN SLINGSHOT TANK

There's something to be said for having the right tool for the job. It doesn't hurt though to have a .50 cal and a cannon just in case the sling shot doesn't work.

SOLUTION TO PAKISTAN FLOODING

Steve Dahl doesn't know how he can help the folks over in Pakistan, but thankfully The Flint Skinny has all the answers. The solution to the massive flooding is incredibly obvious. Send ShamWows. There is really no way that the idea doesn't work. Have you seen how quickly they soak up soda from a small cut of carpet with the use of film editing? These pictures are an excellent depiction of what would happen with two easy payments of $9.99. Come on people, have a heart, grow a pair, do your part(and several other stupid ass cliches) and start mailing these people some Shamwows.

MONDAY HAS BEEN CANCELLED

Hooray!

RUNNIN' ON DIESEL

What ever happened to The Prodigy?

MAN LOSES POOL PRIVILEGES FOR BEING AWESOME

This folks, is a Flint Skinny exclusive. Awhile back some sorority chicks made headlines for trashing their formal. Well broads, you're not that sweet. It's college, that's what you are supposed to do. Haven't you seen Animal House? Now if you go ahead and break a bunch of shit and get a nasty letter about it once you are an adult, then you can be placed on my list of "Greatest Americans Ever."

As the story goes, it was a clear black night, a clear white moon. Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume. Wait no, that's Regulators. It was a Thursday, and as with any Thursday, that means it's time to go out and have a few cocktails to usher in the weekend. As the night wore on, this fine upstanding gentleman, who we will call Thunder, unintentionally found himself at the doorstep of a swanky late night Chicago bar. Normally another bar would never be a problem, but this particular one does not allow guys to wear shorts, and having not planned for this location, Thunder was unprepared. Thankfully, being the hero that he is, he was able to convince a lovely young lady to pay off the door guy for him. He was kind enough to make it worthwhile for the bar by racking up a $100 one-man tab in under an hour.

When the bar finally had to close it's doors, the fun really began. Back at his condo, a challenge was made. Now in the condition in which you can imagine a man would be at 5am, it is physically impossible to turn down a challenge, even if said challenge is to throw a bottle far enough to land in your pool dozens of floors below. Without hesitation, Thunder was able to channel his inner Jay Cutler, and send an onslaught of bottles down to the shit-talking target below, with some even making it to a secondary suggested target (a bar) across the street. This was a display of manhood with which even the Old Spice guy couldn't contend.

To top off the occasion, Thunder woke up the next morning and headed out of town to go sky diving. I'm not sure I could jump out of plane feeling perfectly fine. But hungover? Not a chance. That's why he made his way onto the "Greatest Americans Ever" list.  The building should be ashamed of itself for revoking the pool privileges of such a free spirit. Who get's grounded in their mid-twenties?

BUD LIGHT LIME SUCKS

I've never been big on using pick-up lines at the bar.  That's due 33% to my mother teaching me not to talk to strangers, 33% having nothing interesting to say, and 34% not caring to waste my time. Recently though, thanks to the internet, I am starting to stockpile new lines to use on the ladies.  First it was the classic CIA ruse. Then a McDonald's slogan was too great not to employ.  The newest is a really good way to get yourself slapped, but if you find that one girl who's feeling frisky and hates Bud Light Lime, you might just be in luck.  If you are brave enough, you can just walk up, hand her the Bud Light Lime, and say "This beer sucks, do you?"  For the more timid in the group, just write it on the cocktail napkin and send the beer on over.  If she gives you the international symbol for blowjob (tongue pushes out cheek, follow me people), then you know you have a winner.  If not, I would recommend leaving the bar immediately. No seriously, get out while you can because you are about to get the shit kicked out of you.

PUGS HATE LIES

Nothing pisses me off more than when networks claim to have breaking news and then recycle old information.  They need to get Aesop educated on the boy who cried wolf. You motherfuckers are going to get eaten!