Strange Letter # 25--A Letter to Maggie Gyllenhaal

Dear Maggie,

I really do not know what to say here. Outside of The Dark Knight and your brief turn in Donnie Darko, I am not all that familiar with you. Or maybe I am blocking you out in self-defense after your appallingly gross nude scene in Strip Search. There is not enough eye bleach on the planet for me to get over that. Sometimes, I still rock back and forth, quietly muttering it was all a nightmare.

I realize it was a prison flick and you were supposed to look haggard in it, but geez. You are a year younger than I am, but looked fifty in it. Get some sun, too, honey. I swear that rear end of yours must glows in the dark.

You do not appear to be as much of an obnoxious liberal as many of your fellow actors, so kudos to you for that. Something tells me Barack Obama has not measured up to your fanciful expectations of progressivism. As I am not one to kick folks when they are down, I will leave you with the faintest praise I can muster.

Say--your brother dumped Reese. I am all for that. Saves him from plotting an unfortunate accident involving the freak slicing of his break line. Oddly enough, I have a hunch that was about to happen for Ryan Philippe, too. Looks like Abbie Cornish showing up changed turned his luc around.

I better wrap this up before I start sounding crazy. I managed to ramble on even without having much to say to you. Weird.

Toodles,
Jamie