Six Reasons Americans Do Not Like Soccer

I have kept an eye out for essays attempting to explain why the United States does not like soccer. They have been popping up on a regular basis since the American team was eliminated from the World Cup. Most essays have drawn the conclusion Americans hate losing to smaller countries if the author is being kind or that racist Americans do not like sports which the best players are foreigners of various shads of brown.

Both assessments are unfair. Granted, like George Patton told is men, Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser, there are better reasons for the American distaste for soccer. Observers appear too eaten up with political correctness or a blameAmerica first attitude to look at the issues honestly.

To begin with, it is unfair to single out the United States as the only country where soccer is not popular. India and Pakistan are far more interested in cricket. Russia is as into hockey as Canada. Basketball and ping pong attract more enthusiasm in China than does soccer. Even in parts of soccer crazed Latin America, the sport competes with baseball for hearts and minds. Soccer is ot exactly the worldwide phenomenon it is advertised to be.

Let us break down specific reasons why soccer is not popular in the united states.

First, it is socialist sport. Teams run back and forth for up to six miles a game, often with no one ever scoring. Soccer is a sport that rewards its players for nothing. The Spanish player who won the game against Germany earlier this week had not scored a goal since October 2009. How the heck was he even on the team? Apparently, it is that collectivist spirit that everyone contributes even when they do not. Oh, and the roving bands of hooligans destroy private property in a riot when it does not work out for them.

Teams can advance I the World Cup because of scoreless draws? That is just not natural. I blame the metric system, which is, of course, a communist plot.

Second, soccer is pot-colonial. There are two points here: tiny, third world countries gain victories over larger, wealthier nations, then go home to celebrate the victory as revenge for 200 years of oppression or countries like France import foreign soccer players from former colonies in order to build up their teams. Whichever the case, the united states does not relate.

Third, soccer is a sissy sport. So called “soccer moms” let their kids play it because it is a no contact sport where the score is rarely even kept for the youngest players and everyone gets a trophy. No one ha to feel like a loser because even if score was kept, it was probably atie game anyone. Americans think tie games are like kissing your sister on the lips. You are smooching a girl, but still…

In America, we want there to be a definite winner so badly, we like concepts such as sudden death overtime.

Woe be to anyone who does make contact with another player. He will collapse with pain as though he has been shot with a high powered rifle and roll on the ground in agony for…what? the chance to get hauled off on a stretcher in dramatic fashion or the bonus injury minutes that might be tacked unto the game? Why are those bonus minutes so magical? It reminds me of those kids I school who would make no effort in their regular work, then beg to eat a fried dog turd for extra credit. There is some magic in getting that elusive bonus.

Fourth, soccer is a defensive sport. One team scores and then plays keep away therest of the game. We have difficult time grasping exactly why a player will pass the ball to a certain teammate who is no where near the goal. In our minds, a player constantly tries to score when he has the ball. If he cannot score, he is trying. to pass the ball to someone who can. The object is to rack up as many points as possible.

Yes, there are some American sports in which running out the clock is a strategy. It is generally considered unpartisan-like behavior. We certainly do not hug every player on the team, the coaches, and the guy who mows the grass during every substitution in order to run the clock out.

Fifth, I do not think Americans readily understand a good kick can send soccer ball hurtling at 75 miles per hour towards someone’s head. It I easier to visualize what happens when a 280 lb defensive lineman knocks a quarterback down or a batter gets an 85 mph pitch right in the knee.

Finally, American do not get the penalty system. Yellow cards, red cards, what earns a penalty kick. It is difficult to keep track pg, particularly since there appears to be national bias in officiating.

Anyone else have insight?