Tonje Langeteig & the single of the year!

Tonje Langeteig is my new religion. I know her awe-inspiring anthem "I Don't Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife" is already getting major coverage on the blogosphere but I would feel remiss in my duties as a connoisseur of fine trash if I didn't throw in my two cents. Tonje first came to fame on the Norwegian version of Dating In The Dark. Her stunning curves and magnetic charisma could not be denied and millions of gays across Scandinavia petitioned for the busty blond to revolutionise pop music. At least that's how I like to think it happened! Her debut single has been torn apart by the usual snobs but "I Don't Want To Be A Crappy Housewife" is genuinely amazing. This touching and insightful glimpse into the cruel lifecycle of Norwegian cougars will leave you questioning the meaning of life.

The highly philosophical diva begins the song by declaring "I woke up one morning and I thought I was young but no no no my youth was gone". I wonder if this was originally written with Madonna in mind. But I digress. Tonje then flees to the disco to avoid her empty existence as housewife but obviously pops a dud pill because she begins pondering her own mortality, singing "when I'm six feet under, when I'm dead - I don't want dirt on me but make up instead". Lady Gaga wishes she wrote that lyric! The video is equally amazing. Our heroine rocks up to the world's worst nightclub with a couple of dicey looking hookers in tow before dancing with her rent-a-rapper. Oh and if you think Tonje is all looks and no talent, just watch this stunning live rendition of "I Don't Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife". Now we know where Britney got the inspiration for her BBMA performances from! Download this masterpiece - complete with world's worst cover and spelling mistakes - from iTunes now.

Dannii leaks

And no, I'm not referring to the legendary diva's battered, post-birth pelvic floor. Nafensays must have left his holy iPod lying around the gay sauna because an unreleased "Neon Nights" track from 2003 has found its way online. "Weak" has always been high on my wish list of Dannii demos due to the involvement of Henrik Korpi, who is responsible for some of the fertile Minogue's best songs including "Put The Needle On It", "Creep" and my fave track from the entire NN era - "For The Record". Unfortunately, "Weak" turns out to be an appropriate title and I'm glad it was given the chop. Not that it's a bad song but "Neon Nights" remains of the most perfect pop albums of all time and this would have tainted it with mediocrity.

Holidannii's latest leak, which I expect Nafensays to monetise any second now with a re-release of "Unleashed", is a fairly dark ballad. It shows a different side of the diva and her vocal is lovely but the production is very underdone (it's a demo, after all) and the track lacks the hook it needed to be great. Anyway, this is more Kylie's area of expertise. She can pull off the occasional darker moment but Dannii is too fabulous for misery and this doesn't quite cut it. Having said all that, I've listened to "Weak" 20 times on repeat and like it more with each listen. If nothing else, it reminds me how much I miss the former queen of clubs. Dannii, forget about reality TV and return to your true calling - music hasn't be the same without you!

Listen to "Weak" - HERE

The Hoff's new hit

I'm a little concerned that my blog is getting a bit too classy with posts about high brow acts like Lissie, Aloe Blacc and Melissa Tkautz - so I thought I'd write a quick post about David Hasselhoff's latest smash to get back to my trash roots. The Baywatch star is notoriously popular in Germany and his latest album is already a top 30 hit over there. I'm so jealous. They get Kim Gloss and The Hoff? Life just isn't fair. But I digress. "It's A Real Good Feeling" is the lead single from the sexy 58-year-old's new opus and it's as classy as we've come to expect from this undisputed musical genius. A cover of Peter Kent's 1980 number one hit, the track is a hot mess that showcases David's breathtaking vocals and unique brand of crazy. I particularly love the video. Make sure you keep watching until the 2:20 minute mark for the best special effects of 2011! In all seriousness, I worship the Hoff and hopes he keeps churning out the hits (in Germany) for decades to come. Brace yourself for a real good feeling and click below!